THIS article is being circulated on Facebook, and like most things, I have a different perspective on this.
The basic gist of the article is to emphasize to girls how smart they are, and not how pretty they are. Because I have girls, this discussion is important to me.
I do not necessarily disagree with this article- I think it is important to say how smart girls are, and I try to do that with both of mine. But, I also think they need to know they are beautiful. Allow me to explain before you jump all over me.
Every girl and woman wants to feel beautiful. How many of us swoon over James Blunts "You're Beautiful" song and secretly wish he had written that song about us? How many of us love hearing from our spouses or significant other that we are the most beautiful girl in the world? We all do. If we didn't want to feel and be beautiful, we wouldn't spend all the money we do on make-up, hair coloring, and clothes.
This is not to say we don't also want to be smart. Of course we want to be valued for our brains as well. I don't think one has to diminish the other. But, how many of us long to hear, "Well, at least you have brains." Of course not- we want to be smart AND pretty.
In the article the writer asserts that by telling girls they are pretty we will have them dieting at age 5 and having a boob job at age 17. I completely disagree with this. Girls don't get boob jobs because they think they are TOO pretty- they get them because they don't think they are pretty enough.
Every girl/woman should feel beautiful just the way they are- with their beautiful freckles, their little extra weight, their acne, or whatever.
But society tells all of us that we are not good enough. That we have to be a size 2 to be beautiful. That if our hair color isn't just right we can't be loved. That if our bra size isn't a 32DDD we aren't worth anything. We are bombarded with an onslought of what we SHOULD look like constantly.
And so are our little girls.
So if we don't tell them they are the most beautiful things in the world, who will? Nobody.
No, wait. When they turn 13 they will meet a 16 year old boy who just wants to get laid (there are plenty of teenage boys who do NOT think like this, but unfortunately there are some who do) who will tell them they are pretty- and since nobody ever told them they were pretty, just that they were smart, they will do whatever he asks to FEEL pretty. Why? Because all girls have a desire to be pretty.
Personally, I want my daughters to feel pretty from me and their daddy. Studies show a direct link between fathers opinion of their daughters and their teenage daughters self-esteem. I want my daughters to KNOW they are our princesses and they are beautiful and they are smart- and I want them to know it from those who love them and truly want what is best for them, not from some guy who just wants to use her. If they know who they are and have a strong self confidence about their looks as well as their brains, then I think they will be less prone to peer pressure, less prone to seeking for compliments of the world, and less likely to get a boob job at 17.
9 comments:
I'm not going to jump all over you about the beautiful part, but a different part...in just a minute. First let me tell you that there is a super awesome book you should read called Nurture Shock about modern parenting myths. One of them disproves the theory of how you should tell your kids they are smart. The data shows that kids that do this over and over create kids who take their intelligence for granted and then feel like they don't need to work for grades and knowledge. The book says you should focus on complimenting "good ideas" or "good thinking" instead of "you are..."s.
I'm going to jump on you over the "boys just want to get laid" thing. I, of course, must do this because I have boys. I absolutely and totally HATE the stereotype that boys are just out to victimize girls. That is just plain wrong. This is something that in society we need to fix. Boys are just as scared and confused about sexuality as girls are, they are just trained from an early age that they are supposed to be the aggressors. It goes both ways. Girls are capable of being just as guilty as boys and if we encouraged modesty and friendships (platonic ones) between genders more when they were younger instead of focusing on their differences, this might not be such an issue. Done with my rant. The end. :)
Fair enough-good point, Dani:) I am thinking in my head, though, of this one really sleezy guy from middle school who really did only want to get laid, and those are the guys I want FAR away from my girls:)
Oh, and Nathan and Audra are still on for prom 2025, right?
Indeed, indeed. Really, though, check out that book. You would probably really enjoy it. There is also one about boys that I would suggest to anyone who has boys (or who wants to understand mysterious husbands) called Real Boys. Just throwin' it out there.
Oh, and your girls really ARE beautiful.
I don't really buy into studies. It seems like every time I look closely at them, I find ways they are incomplete--or that they didn't consider something big. Also, studies are very general. So there is a lot of tailoring going on between taking in the outcome of a study and then translating it onto your own kids. Because we are all so beautifully different, we must FIRST seek the creator's guidance. And I know you know that--it just may not be clear to everyone who reads your blog and doesn't know you like I know you. ;) I have to say, also, that stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. I hate some of them, too. But the majority of teen boys are living in families with little or no spiritual boundaries which results in a very healthy heaping helping of sexual "tension". Their bodies were made that way. It would be nice to hear from a mom of teenage sons, wouldn't it? Right now, all I can tell you for sure is that my husband was not out to get laid when I met him, but he still tried to push things too far in spite of his convictions. And he will tell you--it's like his brain was shut off.
I read that article that's going around on facebook. And I agree with it somewhat,but it actually made me a little angry. Of course we need to engage with our girls and help them realize how smart they are/can be and the potential they have in life. But I also think we need to tell them how beautiful they are so that they know it and won't go off to find it from somewhere else. I tell my little girl every day how pretty she is and how lucky she is to have such pretty hair. But I also tell her how much I love her love of learning, how she loves to read books, sing me songs, pretend to be a doctor, etc. etc. Maybe I'm wrong with some of this, but I think every girl needs to hear how beautiful she really is. Oh, and you know what really bothers me? Being a parent of a little boy and yet all the focus out in the world is on how we should treat our girls. Shouldn't we also be focusing on our boys as well? Help them realize who they are, their potential, how awesome they are and how to treat and respect girls? I'm just sayin'. ;)
Okay, rant over. I did like your post though. :)
So I've been thinking more about the "you're beautiful" part of this...
When I was a kid, nobody ever told me I was pretty. In fact, I can't think of a single time someone told me I was pretty. Nobody told me I was ugly, looks were just never mentioned. I'm not asking for pity here. I sort of grew up feeling ambivalent about it. I sometimes even felt like I should somehow rise above the "shallow" aspect of caring whether or not I was pretty. I frankly now do not think I am pretty, but I dont' give it much thought and every once in awhile I look at a picture and think "huh. I look pretty good in this picture." but that's about it. My self-worth just isn't based much on my looks. Could this be the point of the article? That if you focus on other things then girls maybe learn to care about other things than looks and what is associated with them? I'm not saying one side is right or wrong, just wondering if this might add perspective?
I agree that we need balance- there's so many things that our girls (and boys) long to hear from us- including how smart they are, and how beautiful they are.
I also like the point that Jennifer made that overall they need to know they are daughters of God. That's an excellent point that the author of the article (and myself in my post) neglected to mention that girls- and boys- need to see themselves as God sees them. If they do that, I think they will have the strongest means to withstand Satan. I think that is our strongest defense.
I can't ever say that I thought myself beautiful, but I did always know I was a daughter of God, and I think that helped me to make good choices growing up.
Either way, this parenting thing is tough! But, maybe we (I) analyze it too much and need to just love our kiddos just the way they are.
I, like in Danielle's last comment, do not think the point of this article is to not tell girls they are beautiful, but to try to teach them that it is not the only thing you notice about them.
In the article, notice that the author did not tell the girl that she was smart. She first got down to eye level and said that is was nice to meet her and then asked her questions that stimulated her mind. I, as a mother of three girls, really like that. She sat and read a book with her, spent time with her, made this little girl feel important for what she had accomplished; not for her looks.
I am not saying it is not important to tell your children that they are beautiful, but they need to know it is not their outside beauty that will determine their success in life. I certainly do not want my girls to feel their self esteem is based solely off their looks, their clothes, their accessories. I want them to feel confident. And, I believe the best way to help them with that confidence is not to focus on their appearance, but on who they are (a daughter of God) and the talents and abilities the he blessed them with.
And, Christine, even though the article is geared toward girls, I think that is a valuable lesson for boys as well.
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