Ode To A Decade, and A Day

This week marks one decade since I moved to CO.

I was going to write a wonderful blogpost about how my roommates and friends drove me out here, how hard the first year was but how grateful I am that I ended up here. I was going to write about all the reasons I love Colorado.

But then I saw the news this morning. Of course, I am referring to the shootings this morning- the "Batman Massacre."

And now I am not quite sure what to write.

This is the place of the gorgeous Rocky Mountains, the Broncos, and the Mile High City. But it also the state of Columbine, the Waldo Canyon Fires, and now the Batman Massacre.

Colorado has been on the front page of a lot of newspapers this summer. It has not been a good summer for us here. Today is an especially dark, dark day.

So, now what?

A favorite quote of mine is,

"A life lived in fear is a life half lived."

I have desparately tried to live my life by this quote. This quote helped land me in Berlin in 1995, in South Carolina in 1999, and in Colorado in 2002- undoubtedly some of the best choices I have ever made.

When I told my mom I was going to be teaching at the rival school of Columbine, my mom got worried and said I shouldn't move out here. I didn't give it a second thought.

Now I'm giving it a second thought.

Now I have kids who I want to keep safe and protected.

I don't want to be afraid of sending my kids to school or going to the movie theater or anywhere else for that matter.

But I want my kids to be safe.

I am reminded of when Audra was born and I started freaking out and wondering how it was Ben and I thought we could possibly raise children in this scary, scary, world.

Then Ben gave her the most beautiful baby blessing which reassured me that God is in charge, that He wins in the end, and that Audra is a super strong girl who can beat the evils in the world. Basically, I realized that my fear was driving away my faith and I shouldn't let that happen.

That is how I am feeling now. That fear is driving away faith. I hate that.

I know tomorrow will be better. That each day we will get stronger and we will get past this horrible, awful day. I know that we were- thankfully- not involved in what happened, and to our knowledge nobody we know was involved. (of course, they haven't released the names of victims so we don't know for sure)

On 9/11 I remember having a deep pit in my stomach of sheer horror, shock, pain, etc. Today that pit has returned- and I hate it.

I am saddened that this dark day tarnishes the beauty that is Colorado. This is (was?) a wonderful place to raise a family. This is (was?) a beautiful state with friendly, warm people. This is (was?) the place I was planning on being forever and raising my children. I have loved the past 10 years that I have spent here.

Today I am just not quite sure what to think.

But I'll get there- we all will.